worth the wait.

I am waiting, and I am in love.

I'm seated in a tunnel of a wine bar facing the door. For the past ten minutes, I've been watching people having conversations: women with their red lipsticks, men smoking cigars - all in mute, like watching a play underwater. There's Peyroux moaning with heartache in the background, and I'm feeling a little anxious - it must be the wine. Occasionally, I see a figure walking outside on the other side of the window, and the foggy glass melts and disassembles them into someone else. When they walk in, I relax my grip on my unlit cigarette. It's not him. I exhale, smooth my hair. I'm still waiting, and this is how I know I am in love.

It's been weeks since I've had a moment of self-reflection. Odd place to start doing it but it's suiting. I suddenly feel like the word mellifluous. You can wet the rim of a glass with red wine and run your finger around it and it will make a sound. This is what I feel like: this sound of warm red wine.

A waiter walks over, leans in and asks 'would you like another pinot?'I shake my head, and he smiles. With a jump, he takes out a lighter and I bring the cigarette to my lips. He leans into my cupped hands. Red finger-ends. His kind eyes look at me, their wet reflecting candlelight. Before, this would have been enough for me to sit a little taller, smile a second longer than needed. But since him, I've been nothing but full of something bigger than myself. All the effort for games once played so beautifully has been vacuumed out of me. I can almost see remnants of what's important, lying bare like bits of dry bone.

The waiter with the eyes walks away, and I sip the last drop from my glass. I feel something unfolding as I sit here and wait for him. I see that there's a whole world of being aware of yourself, of being in love. I realise I can be part of this perfection - this literary perfection - without making any effort at all. I don't have to keep up with anyone anymore: talk as smart, make extravagant pseudo-selves, decode messages, hold back, sigh on cue. With him, I don't have to think about whether I do these things well. All I have to do is sit in a bar, drink red wine (with a name I can't pronounce), sigh gently and wonder, What's taking you so long?

And watch figures melt and disassemble into someone else.

pauline