Arthur & John

As I dozed I heard a bird pecking at the window. It persisted. I propped myself up to listen. You were beside me Arthur, stirring slightly. I carefully pulled the bedsheet up to where your round cheek rested and took our warmth with me to the window. The tapping continued as I reached for the curtain. I should've been more cautious as it was you, John, tapping on the glass with a key. I KNEW it wasn't the key to this house, but the implication was there. I was disheartened by your intrusion so many years later. I had once loved you in a maudlin sort of way. I'd thought you were in your world. And I was in mine, with you Arthur. But somehow John, you implied your way in. YOU SAW ME SEE YOU through the chink in the curtains. Now there was a chance of you getting in. I climbed back into bed with you, Arthur and tried to forget the tapping on the window. But you were half-awake now, mumbling discombobulated questions. I remained silent and put a hand on your soft warm stomach. The tapping stopped. Suddenly, with a surprising dexterity you popped the sliding window open, John and climbed right into the room. Then into bed. I protested but you responded in that way you have of making me feel unreasonable for not complying. A famililar smell leeched toxically from your pores. So familiar, I could still be in a relationship with you. You fell asleep. I lay awake and alone, in the haze of early morning with these buried things from so long ago revealed, like something of myself had eroded. Years ago, John, you'd rattled Arthur on the phone telling him that I'd come back to you in the end. It was a lie, but you believed it could be true because it had been contemplated. It bothered me that you were interfering again, even after your lonely death. I thought you'd given up. I wasn't sure I could ask you for help, Arthur. You couldn't see John. There was a chance of you SEEING JOHN IN ME, but I wouldn't let that happen. I had to deal with you alone John, I thought, as we all lay in bed together. And I also thought that maybe I could love you both. John with pain and Arthur with joy. Of course, now that I'm telling you this Arthur, you know that it was foolish for me to keep John from you. I could've begun listening to him instead of you. INSTEAD OF MYSELF. He would've filled my head with doubts until my thoughts were his. John vanished with the light as I opened my eyes and held you Arthur. Held you so long that everything else was forgotton. Light and sound were distant. A beard began to grow on your face and prickled me. I heard the steady beat of rain dropping from the roof into a metal basin by the window.

ELW