Green

It was a wet Warrnambool day, and we were driving to his friend's afternoon exhibition opening at a regional gallery. My jumper was sopping wet by the time we were in the car, hanging on me like a wet sheep. His hair was plastered to his forehead in strands, like his brain was caged. Let's drive slowly so we don't have to stay too long, I suggest, because I don't really want to go, I'm just there to watch him drive and be near him. Nah, we're already running late. And I want to get a free wine. He moves into the right lane, out of where I'm comfortable, on the left.
Who will be there?
Ummm? Geelong people, Georgia and Janni, Sam, my friends. I am quiet. I like Georgia. Janni doesn't like me still? How can you tell that? Remember at that party the other night? He turned his back on me when we were left alone to talk. I understand though, he's protective of you. Yeah, I guess he is. I'm sorry, I didn't realize. It's okay. It's the price you pay. I know, and I do. I am wearing the consequences of my actions, like a wet woolen jumper.
Will she be there?
I don't know, maybe. Her friends will be there. Her flat mate is writing the catalogue essay. Grrreeeaaatttt, I say into my bottom lip. I feel the memory of pain in my stomach, but harden my throat against it so that nothing rises to the surface. His hair is starting to dry, and I can see the lines on his forehead again. The car is a vacuum, there doesn't seem to be enough air, and I know it is because I am using it up. I hate myself for what I say next.
If she's there, can we leave? I can't handle it. I thought it was better to be honest.
Why? I'm going with you.
But I can't be civil to her, it's too painful. I am civil to him. I didn't ask you to be. I wish you weren't so good. I just want to block out everyone else and be with you. That's unsustainable?I need to see my friends, we can't just be just us. Or at least I can't. When he says it it is a slap across the face with a cold fish, a visual pun that I can't understand. So I just turn my head to the window and feel the stinging in my eyes.
There's no point in doing this?ssshhhh just shut up he says as if he can hear the engine between my ears. I know. But, I can't understand who you were then. Who were you when you were with her? You must have been someone completely different. She is so fake and transparent. I don't know what to say when you're like this. I feel guilty, overwhelmed with the need to be comforted and the sense of loss of him being just mine.

Anusha