Spilt

I should be happy, I should be so many more things than I am right now. but I'm not.

I should be thanking the universe for providing me with enough clarity to see how lucky I am, for showing me that I am able to sustain a relationship, find love, live life with someone.But I'm not.

The more I try to explain how I feel, to make you understand the harder it gets the more blurred it becomes.

The better things are going, the more I get from life the more i resent it, the more i neglect it and mistreat it and run from it... the more I fear losing it all.

I get so frustrated with my emotional pattern sometimes, i want to scream at the top of my lungs "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME" and I just cant seem to shake it.

I try to communicate it to the people I love and the more i talk the less they understand, it feels so alone and i feel so isolated and i do not ever understand why.

sometimes it is so overwhelming that i wish i just wouldnt wake up, its like that again and i dont know why.

I feel caught in a wind of change and im not ready, i havent prepared and everything is flying around me, frantically i am trying to grab onto something, someone, everything... and i get nothing, i cant stop spinning in the air and im being carried away like a wayward leaf in a hurricane.

there are no answers, there are no reasons and its more and more frustrating and the wind gets stronger and the current gets stronger and they're pulling me in.

im drowning when i should be sailing.

I'm soaking up the fear like a tea towel on spilt milk and I cant control anything.

The things around me that I am clinging to sometimes seem to become the anchors dragging me in further.. and i just don't know which way is up, I'm running out of air and my chest feels tight and my eyes smart and im off again.

help.

UnNoticed