SHOULDN'T A MOTHER KNOW?

Today I went fishing. I haven't done that for years. The last time was before I had children, and that's nearly 14 years ago.

I caught two trout. I was so happy. I've never actually caught a fish before.

Michael said that he was good at fishing. I don't know how anyone can be as good at catching fish. Either the fish takes the bait or it doesn't. There is no great talent or skill involved. That's my opinion.

Tomorrow I plan to sleep in, and then take the dog for a walk. That's it. The rest of the day I will spend numb. Probably the whole day.

I will never forget this day. My child died last night. Little Benjamin - not so little really he is, was, 13 years old and already taller than his mother. I will miss him so much. He was at a friend's. There was an accident. His friend's father barely escaped and all the rest died in the fire. All seven of them: Patricia, Amy, Samuel, Ryan, Patrick, Rob, and my son, Ben.

Patricia was my friend and Amy and Samuel's mother. Sam is, was, Ben's best friend. I can't believe they are dead.

Tomorrow I'm going to sleep in. The dog doesn't need a walk. I will stay in bed. I will stay in bed until this dreadful numbness goes away. I can't feel any more. My eyes are dry and my throat is tight. It feels as though I'm choking and I can't break down.

I won't cook the fish for tonights dinner. Michael says he isn't hungry, and I won't get food past this choking. Michael hasn't said a word to me since the police dropped in this afternoon. They suggested we should get a mobile phone. They weren't able to contact us. We were gone most of the day. Bloody fishing. We didn't know that our son was going to die. Funny. Shouldn't mothers know these things? It should be like ESP. I should have known something was wrong.

I think I will take the dog for a walk tomorrow. She is getting chubby around the middle, and I could do with some exercise. Maybe I'll walk and walk and walk until I feel something.

Faye Ross